Anonymous asked: What was that? What was that you said?
I will apologize. I will be a little on edge and I will probably overreact.
AF
I also had a different dream last night I was at a Whole Foods throwing mangoes at an eighty-year-old woman. // I was feeling each individual mango for its ripeness. // I think maybe what that means is that somewhere, way down in the core of my being, something was saying to me: “Andy, it’s okay to throw fruit at an old lady, as long as it’s not substandard produce organic.”
A cycle.
Before I Hand Things Over to the Dream-Writing Staff: Sigmund Freud re: “Wit and its Relation to the Unconscious”
“‘Yes, vanity is one of [AUDIENCE’S] four heels of Achilles.”* This modification consists in the fact that instead of the one vulnerable heel which was attributed to Achilles, we have here four heels. Four heels means four feet and that number is only found on animals. The two thoughts condensed in the witticism are as follows: Except for [AUDIENCE’S] vanity, [AUDIENCE] is an admirable fellow; still I do not care for him, for [s]he is more of an animal than a human being.**
* This same witticism was supposed to have been coined before by [deceased baseball legend Kirby Puckett (March 14, 1960 – March 6, 2006)] concerning [AUDIENCE].
** One of the complications involved in the technique of this example lies in the fact that the modification through which the omitted abuse is substituted is to be taken as an allusion to the latter, for it leads to it only through a process of deduction.”
Not buying condoms at Ralph’s Whole Foods. They say free-range lamb feels very real. Just like the real thing. (Actually, just taking a picture because AF was considering buying these because the girl at the checkout was hot, but then he thought about how he’d be raising her expectations. False advertising. Still though.
AUDIENCE: ( )
AF: Alright. Creepy. Always with the creepy. Not creepy, just horny and scared, you know.
Anonymous asked: We are a lovely audience?
So far.
One of the worst introductions in the history of open-mike comedy.
If AF requested. A cleaning lady. FOR EXAMPLE. For his tiny little. Apartment. AF would just. It wouldn’t work. We would walk in circles, AF pointing. Avoid that. And that is dried semen. It will not come out. AF has tried. Rosalita. Is that your name? We will. Why are you so small? In this act out, Rosalita. We circle the apartment. AF following as AF has no other room to haunt. It won’t work. AF would feel guilty. No surprise there. And the greater question then being: Apartment-speaking: How small is too small to hire a cleaning lady? AF’s is a studio and that seems close to the smallest possible space that can be cleaned professionally. // But then the question of permanence. Could an AF summon, assuming cell coverage, a cleaning service to come to a campsite? The tent is dirty. The backpacking dishes need cleaning. Rosalita out there on the rock then. In the middle of the stream. Scrubbing. Or an RV for example. Assuming Rosalita will agree, does the RV need to be stopped? Could the Rosalita, for a certain amount of money, be persuaded to jump from the maid conveyance, on a busy highway, into a moving RV? And Rosalita would be reimbursed for the cost of the ghostridden Volkswagon, of course. Let’s just say the RV couldn’t stop for some reason. The brakes are failing. Or better yet: The brakes are just really, really expensive, made of gold let’s say, and the owner of the RV is so incredibly cheap said owner does not want to wear the brakes out. So no stopping. For cleaning lady or otherwise. Where would Rosalita go after she finished cleaning? No! The question is where wouldn’t she go. Rosalita is tired of her cleaning lady life. She and AF will simply give themselves to the road. He and his cleaning lady and his magic golden RV brake pads. // And let us return then to our apartment. The AF space from which we came. Assuming there is haunting. That haunting is a thing that happens. Would AF’s apartment be too small to haunt? There is, perhaps, not enough space for haunting. And AF then, possibly being the body that shed the ghost, and having been extremely overweight at one point, would the ghost version of AF then be overweight? Would the ghost be fat? This is the only question that matters. Does the ghost peel off from its body and take the form of the body at the time of death? Or does the spirit do its ghosting as the spirit of the better shape of the thing it echoes? AF would rather his ghost wore a tuxedo. Or maybe not a tuxedo. Just one of those shirts that looks like a tuxedo. And no pants. The ghost wears a tuxedo-looking shirt and no pants. AF’s ghost would haunt pantsless. And AF’s phantom would be lazy. A shiftless ghost that contributed nothing to the society of the netherworld. Just a taker. A needy ghost. A needy, chronically masturbating ghost. A wraith. Shame wraith. Whose higher power is really just a masturbation cash register. Keeping account of the ghost masturbation and the appropriate karmic response. AF makes a trade with the masturbation cash register. The AF ghost jerks off and a nice young couple in Indiana gets turned down for a mortgage. And AF’s geist is making this ethical choice. Because their lives are boring. The young couple. They don’t need a house. And they really weren’t all that nice. They shouldn’t have been together anyway. This mortgage rejection incited by AF’s masturbation omniscience will tear them apart. And they will depart from one another. And move to Sedona, Arizona and Chicago, respectively, to find themselves. To take pottery class and film studies. AF’s onanistic ghost did them a huge solid. Through self-love. AF altered the course of human events for the better. Ghost masturbation changes lives. Fellow ghosts, I implore you: Let us haunt ourselves.
